Exclusive: Riley Sheahan to Make Changes to Potentially Help Goal Scoring

It’s been a long season for the Detroit Red Wings, but no Red Wing has had as long of a season as Riley Sheahan. Playing in 75 games this season, Sheahan is sitting at a grand total of no goals, despite scoring 14 and 13 in his last two seasons. Sheahan has already set the record for most shots in a season without scoring a goal, so it’s definitely reached the point of insanity. So insane, in fact, that Sheahan has plans to maybe reverse his luck.

An inside source gave Wingsnation the news that Sheahan will be making a few changes, in hopes that the hockey gods will reward him with a goal by season’s end.

The first report we hear coming from the Red Wings is that Sheahan will be changing his pregame meal, from chicken and pasta to Little Caesars pizza. “I figured that the chicken and pasta wasn’t fulfilling my body for game time, so I figured I’d switch to pizza, and Little Caesars give me free pizza, so I don’t even have to break the bank for it. Besides, it’s not like it’s that unhealthy, I’m essentially eating cardboard-,” Sheahan said, before being pulled aside by Red Wings PR.

We’ve also heard that Sheahan has requested the the Joe’s DJ give him his own personal goal song. “It’s so terrible, that I’ll have to score, just so everyone has to listen to it,” said Sheahan. Rumour has it that the new goal song will be El Chombo’s hit song, “Chacarron”, however, Sheahan will not confirm these speculations.

The next report coming out is that Sheahan will be changing his sticks. At first, we thought he just meant that he would change up his stick brand, or his flex, or something along those lines, but he’s taking it a step further. “Starting on Saturday against Toronto, I’m going to be shooting right handed. It might take a game to adjust, but it can’t be worse than what I’m doing right now.”

Wingsnation asked Sheahan what will happen if these new changes work tonight against Toronto, with Sheahan stating that he may have to start making sacrifices to the hockey gods. “I’m going to start small with animals, but it may get to the point where only humans will do the job.”

“It’s almost April 1st already. I’d be a fool to not start making changes to my life in order to get a goal before the season’s over,” said Sheahan.

Anyway, now that the cat’s out of the bag, here’s a montage of Riley Sheahan’s goals this season: