It’s not just the Ottawa Senators getting caught badmouthing their coach.
Wings Nation has an exclusive not-at-all-fake transcript of a recent videotaped conversation involving Detroit Red Wings players Justin Abdelkader, Anthony Mantha, Andreas Athanasiou, Dylan Larkin and Luke Glendening during dinner at Wahlburgers in Detroit.
Mantha: Hey, guys, what’s it take to get some consistent ice time around here? I can’t believe (Red Wings coach Jeff Blashill) Blash put me on the third and fourth lines.
Glendening: Have you tried being born in Michigan?
Abdelkader: Yeah, seriously. Being born in Muskegon was the best thing that ever happened to my professional career.
Larkin: Anthony, you just gotta work really hard, give 110 percent every day and Blash will reward you. He doesn’t treat young players any differently than veterans.
Athanasiou: Good one, Larks. I’ve got the best 5 on 5 goals per 60 mark on the team, and I’m still averaging barely over 12 minutes a night.
Glendening: What is per 60? Why don’t you just say per game?
Athanasiou: Jesus, Glenny.
Glendening: Well, the only stat that matters anyway is plus-minus, and who’s got two thumbs and is leading the team with a plus-2? This guy.
Mantha: Blash sure does love you, Glenny. That amazing plus-minus must be why you’re always on the ice in key situations.
Athanasiou: Oh man, I know. He puts Glenny out there at the end to hold a lead, while I get like five breakaways a game and ride the bench if I cough up the puck once.
Glendening: What can I say? Grit is a powerful weapon.
Mantha: You know what else is frustrating? Those long drop passes we do on power plays. It’s like, “Here, let’s make sure the other team is ready to defend us so we can dump the puck into the zone and have it iced five seconds later.”
Athanasiou: Oh, man. That’s so annoying! Why can’t Blash just let me skate it in with speed instead of trying to “fool” the other team with this drop pass they know is coming?
Mantha: Double-A, you should just go for it next time you’re on the PP. What’s the worst that could happen?
Athanasiou: Uh, I get stapled to the bench for the next three games.
Abdelkader: You guys really should consider saying you were born in Michigan. Or you have distant relatives from Michigan or something. I know a guy from high school that can get you fake IDs.
Athanasiou: Nah, I just need to have one really good PK shift in the playoffs, and I’ll be on Blash’s good side for years.
Abdelkader: Haha, (Red Wings forward Darren Helm) Helmer has been riding that for years.
Larkin: Too bad we aren’t sniffing the playoffs for at least two years.
Mantha: I’m pretty sure (Red Wings assistant coach Dan Bylsma) Byls will be our coach next year, anyway. I think he doesn’t hate me that much.
Athanasiou: Yeah, another coach born in Michigan, just what we need.
Mantha: At least he doesn’t sound like (former Red Wings coach Mike) Babcock. Man, that scowl still gives me nightmares.
Athanasiou: Yeah, that jawline is… (he trails off) Anyway, hopefully, Byls lets us play a little. Look how much fun the (Carolina) Hurricanes are having.
Larkin: Right? If we’re going to stealth tank, let’s at least play uptempo. Not this boring, defensive-first game where we play to not lose instead of playing to win.
Glendening: We’re stealth tanking?
Mantha: Uh, yeah, we need Jack Hughes.
Abdelkader: Was he born in Michigan, too?
Note: This is satire and completely fake, please don’t send me angry tweets.